My knee has been in a brace for two weeks. Went for an MRI yesterday. I’m feeling mostly positive about the healing process, but increasingly frustrated by how limited I am in getting the simplest things done in my life. Boy did I take for granted walking to Starbucks or the grocery store, walking down a few steps or putting on a pair of shoes with ease.
It all boils down to feeling weak. I detest it. Absolutely puts me in a spin. And I realized that there is a palpable difference between people who are compassionate about it and people who look at me like — yes, say it with me — I’m weak. You know how I know about the latter? Because that was me. I admit it.
It’s not that I didn’t feel some compassion for hobbled folks before. I’m not heartless. But it is different now. I get it. I don’t particularly like this about myself, but it’s really true. I have more empathy having gone through this.
I’ve also realized that since I’m pretty sure this injury is from not planting my leg properly when punching a bag — something I LOVE to do because it makes me feel strong — I’ve undergone another shift in mindset. Ten years ago I would have thought that it was simple logic to now avoid what caused me to be hurt. I would have tossed the pink-and-white bag gloves and stuck to a treadmill.
Now I think that’s bullshit.
For once in my physical fitness life, I went after something I really wanted to do. In fact, the last six months, I did that twice (by introducing hitting a bag and yoga). And it exhilarated me, took me to another level physically and made me wonder why I hadn’t done it sooner. I know deep down I wasn’t ready to do it sooner, but still. I entered the 50 milestone in December feeling better than I’ve ever felt before.
Now this. There is a challenge before me. Work my way back. My physical strength will only be buoyed by my spiritual and emotional strength, so I know how imperative it is to draw on all of the work I’ve done in those realms in the last decade. I am also mindful of the holistic aspects of the knee outlined in an earlier post and am acutely aware that my flexibility, or lack thereof, is at the center of this.
I feel so surprisingly receptive right now. Cracked open. Acknowledging my limitations yet not feeling limited in ways that matter. Change is afoot.