I feel more like Nancy than I have in a long time. I say that knowing, of course, that all of it, even the spinning, is Nancy.
But what I mean is that this Nancy I’m more acquainted with, the one who has not been herself since Feb. 10, is back in the driver’s seat. There is a semblance of control. I have copped to being a control freak, but this is different. This is about finding me somewhere in the middle of the health issues and the deaths and the setbacks and feeling profound relief.
I am unquestionably a different person after the events of this year. It feels good to put into play what I’ve been learning for years — figure out what things mean as you go along, express the anger and sadness that bubbles up so it doesn’t make you pent-up, see what reflects back to you from the ‘mirrors’ provided by those around you, and be grateful, grateful, grateful.
I have. I am.
It has been two weeks since I went off blood pressure medication, something that began back in April when all the stress got to be too much and my BP was even too high to have arthroscopic surgery on my knee. The meds made it possible for me to have the procedure, but then — ugh. They put me off my game, not just the first one my doctor prescribed but the second as well. Fatigue, swelling, an overall feeling that I had lead in my body.
Right now I feel more seasoned somehow. But happy. In a flow. Light. Clear. I am standing up straighter, engaging more.
I have a new doctor. She puts a focus on wellness. There is a craving for fresh and hitting restart here, but it’s even stronger than that. It’s an awareness that this has equipped me to push forward into an even better place. I am gathering the support system to make that happen on every level.
But what I am most excited about is what I’m finding within myself. A bigger resolve, the satisfaction of knowing I am on exactly the right path, the ability to use naysaying as fuel, the gorgeous vision I have for my life. Suddenly I have gone from flailing to emerging. Almost roaring back.
My God, it is heady.
You know how sometimes we surprise ourselves and it’s almost jarring? That is what’s happening. I’m astonished at what is pouring forth from my ‘pen’ and my soul.
It’s nice to see you again, Nancy. Just a pleasure.
